A Korean Christmas, how nice!

Leaving on Sunday. I'm very excited about celebrating my first Christmas with snow.

At the same time, I'm slightly disappointed that we are not visiting the border. To me, it has a deep meaning beneath just the physical, like the Yasukuni shrine in Japan (which I regrettably did not get to visit 2 years ago) and Ground Zero in New York (which still leaves a deep impression from a year ago). In the increasingly globalised world, it represents the rare case of resistance. Though I can't really feel until I see it myself.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

How I long to tear down the walls to attain freedom, only I fear the roof that shelters will crumble too.


Oh Lord, please help me in my darkest moments thus far

Is it pity that I feel? Empathy? Putting myself in their shoes to see how I’ll feel in their situation or genuine concern? I wonder if that is how they want me to feel; I wonder if I’ll want others to feel this way for me (empathy again…).

I might care for the world, I might care as much as the world, but I might not care in the right way.

Cycling was fun as always. Pasir Ris today during chalet, my first time cycling there. Alright but I prefer East Coast. Less puddles, less people on the wrong path, wider track with two directional lanes so no oncoming traffic and better scenery. Wonder if there is a ban on rollerbladers in Pasir Ris; did not see any.

Too crowded, so little chance to speed. I zoned out at times due to lack of sleep and somehow subconsciously weaved though the traffic. One reason I should not drive in the future… Too risky.

I finally managed to let go of the handle bar for 5 seconds. Letting go of my fears, literally. I will definitely improve, with the first step accomplished. Actually, I am more afraid of damaging my bike than of hurting myself. Maybe I shall try again with a rented one.

Project Work

This will be the last time before I put PW at the back of my mind.

I am thankful for having such a good group, it greatly lessened the burden I usually feel when doing group projects. It is the rare instance in which I did not do the most, a good thing. I am grateful that C willingly travels from the other side of the island to meet up so many times. I am glad that everyone respects me and does their part.

It is weird, but I really enjoy doing it, probably because of the company. It was fun really, draining but fun. I wished that we could have done the puppet show and exhibition model, or try out the attachment; it would have been even more enjoyable. Maybe it is just me.

I really want us to do well together. I have always believed that we should work hard and reap the results together... To celebrate the success together. I would think that it is my failure if we didn’t.

We tried so hard… So hard that I fear we would not do well. It is the fear of doing your best because if you fail, all the effort is wasted. The fear of disappointment… It can sometimes be as great as the fear of regret. The report was on my mind for a few hours right after promos when I learnt that the second draft still needed a major makeover. I could not even relax after my papers ended. I trembled after OP because I thought I did not do well enough; until now I still feel that I did not. The fear that a screwup will destroy all the effort put in.

The burden, the pressure, all over finally. A mere breather?

Laugh because its ironic; a bitter laugh because its true.

mutually advantageous exchange

Today reminded me of the show Liar Game, about deceit and pangsei-ing (abandoning) others. Slightly similar, though no one could possibly be out to “kill” everyone else.

If everyone was for himself, some might lose out. If everyone cooperates, everyone will benefit. If everyone cooperates except one, he would lose out. Cooperating is key. However the problem occurs when the results were to be very different from expectations. Would someone panic and follow his own way? If there were sufficient people who reacted this way, the situation would change such that those who cooperate would lose out.

This would not happen for us because we know each other. However, imagine doing it with a group of strangers… It would be difficult to trust them, especially when the scenario becomes weird suddenly. I believe for such instances, it would be best not to have any prearrangement unless all possible situations are covered in detailed and people would tend to lose out if they fall out.

Which, if you have watched Liar Game, is the reason why the characters cooperated in the later rounds of the game. They knew each other from the earlier rounds which put the bad guy (a newcomer) in a far more unfavourable position than you would think. (Recommended to watch, quite interesting)

Procrastinate as usual so this comes late...


Yesterday when we went through circular motion for physics I was really interested... Something I have not felt during lessons for quite some time. The pupils dilating, fully focused attention, brain accelerating at great speed kind of interest. The last time was some econs lesson but it didn't leave a lasting impression.

Anyway the reason was that I finally understand the concept behind countersteering, the technique for motorcycles and bicycles to turn at fast speeds. It is something I do without realising; now I can appreciate it. Maybe, just maybe, I might even have understood inertia drifting done really nicely in Initial D.

I kept visualising myself riding a bike or car to understand the concept and each time, adrenaline accumulates and I REALLY want to try it out. Car maybe not yet; bike I thought of wearing a helmet and testing down the road but too risky before exams and too many cars parked alongside. Next time...


*****


Pride has a nice soundtrack. Lots of useless pieces but many good ones too.

Yes I still use that wallpaper. Maybe when I change it I can finally move on. Or maybe when I've moved on I would finally change it.

Grave of the Fireflies

The feelings were different for the two different perspectives.

The anime showed the children’s perspective of the war. It told of how war is cruel in that the people, the women and children left behind must suffer. It spoke of pride and of how people can turn selfish in times of scarcity. To me, it is just a children show, meant to evoke empathy.

The live action recounted the same story in the aunt’s perspective instead. War again is cruel, again it changes people. Beyond this, it showed the bitterness of surviving. How the aunt hardened her heart for her family’s survival. It is something natural, yet when seen from the children’s perspective difficult to understand and forgive.

When the aunt saw the sweet tin and knew that they were gone, I could imagine that she would have a bit of relief that she did not have to face them from the guilt of abandoning them, and a bit of relief because she did not have to struggle to raise them up too. Putting myself in her shoes I would too.

War gives little comfort. The boy struggled to look after his sister and maintain his dignity. The aunt lives on with the bitterness of her losses and guilt.

Should you be interested, I recommend watching the anime first and then the live action.

Today I met Cleaven and we happened to talk about Mr Chang, chemistry lecturer. I realised that he is quite similar to me... the way he says he can be very fierce when angry but everyone laughs instead. I used to say "I am angry" but give a boyish smile such that people think I'm not being serious.

"I'm angry."
"Hahaha you're smiling." *Smiles*
"Oh." *smiles wider*

I miss the old me. How smiling can solve my anger so easily. How people laughing off my seriousness (hee..) helps me brush it off myself. Now I am angry less often, but I smile less too.

hana kimi

With the school filled with (only) pretty guys, there is bound to develop gay relationships. Not advisable at all, if there were really such a thing...

Series is ok so far, more absurd than other manga adaptations such as nodame cantabile and GTO, though tricks are getting stale. People appearing randomly for example. Hope the acting and chemistry improves to sustain my interest.

We trashed things out throughout the night. We spoke honestly about each other. Before the sun rose and the new day started, I feel we understood each other better and became much closer.

deathly hallows

SPOILERS WARNING...



I find the part on Snape very well written. As I read the fast paced, fragmented memories of his, everything about him in the previous books make sense. The patronus part was very sad. So was the part where he looked into Harry's eyes as he died as I reflipped the pages.

I too like the part about Grwinsthsth... Dumbledore's equal, denying Voldemort what he wanted. He might be an extremist, but he could still have a good side somewhere inside.



Ah finally 17... I can finally do magic outside Hogwarts.

16 in 67 days. Not age, not kilos lost either, but grades improvement. The Lord be my strength.

I am glad that there are people willing to improve with me. It is really encouraging, seeing how I was sad and depressed the last few weeks. C, J and A, thank you all. Let's all do our best.

Blame is over, now to take responsibility.

Been listening to instrumental pieces lately. Piano pieces especially. Really envy those who can play. Never got down to playing the first line of Close to You.

Yiruma is nice. Like his album, First Love very much. Pieces like Kiss the Rain and River Flows in You. Thank me if you like it haha.

Other nice random pieces. Too random to mention.

Then there are those from drama OSTs. Funny listening to Long Vacation collection wishing my holidays were longer.

It is good that time is scarce. If it is not, I will probably be procrastinating even more and not trying my best in what I do. Things will not mean as much; I'll probably not cherish them as much as I do now.

Little bubbling children

Such fun playing with little kids full of bubbling energy.

So carefree and happy, with not a worry in the world. So easily contented. So sincere and honest. How I envy them. How I find myself immersed in their tiny little world.

Pulling us to play with them. Chasing us till we're all tired. Then letting us go and then asking us to run so they can chase us again. What energy from them. What exasperation from us, as they decide to play yet another round...

"Please, we rather stay in prison." We begged, unable to take it any more.
"No! Go run! I count to 10, quick run!" Their little voices were still full of energy and life.
Here we go again.

Fustration leads to change.

I hope so. I seriously hope so.

The string of notes piercing my heart.

As I think of her playing Chopin's Nocturne.

It sounds so distant.

Her back so cold as she play. So cold and cruel.




Yet I know it is me who acts indifferent. Smiling hurts more; I just can't.

Can't Buy My Love (YUI)

I've got hold of YUI's new album and woah. Still as good as before though I like the old ones better, sentiments sentiments.

Of all the new songs I like Why? best. So sweet and innocent sounding with a catchy tune. Must find out the lyrics.

Happy Birthday to you you is amusing because it seems like she is singing to herself. She just turned 20.


Edit: I am currently addicted to Umbrella. Another catchy one. Liking the album more each time I listen to it.

To walk and run with the Spirit,

To live by Him and with Him in me.


For without, I am flesh. Full of sinful desires.

Ichigo 100% (manga)

Ichigo (meaning strawberries) refers to the pattern on panties shown frequently during accidental upskirts. Beyond the perverted nature of the manga (Japanese humour at work, I’m complaining yet I’m not), Ichigo 100% is well written, with both heart-warming and sad moments.

A high school romantic comedy with one guy, and many (undeserving) love interest. His indecisiveness in choosing the girl he loves frustrates and leaves the readers anticipating and addicted.

One thing I like about this series is how each character has his thoughts and feelings narrated instead of just the main character. It makes each character better developed and unique. It also allows the reader to empathise with all of the characters. Thoughout the series, I could feel the pain –– sometimes joy but mainly pain –– of each character. An emotional rollercoaster, but this time riding on many characters’ different emotions –– a much bumpier ride.

---Spoilers---

Another thing I like about this series is the use of fictional metaphors to represent how the characters feel and how the story would end. Toujou’s novel probably represented how she hoped the situation would end. The second movie hinted how Manaka and Tsukasa would separate (the train scene). The last movie showed how Toujou felt about Manaka. The fortune number pairing hinted that Toujou is the best match for Manaka but apparently did not come through. I am sure many would agree with the fortune numbers.

The ending… happy-sad. Halfway through the series, I rooted for Tsukasa Nishino but towards the end I sympathised with Satsuki Kitaoji, and then Aya Toujou. It hurts when Kitaoji tried so hard until she was in despair and decided to be Manaka’s best friend. It is painful to see Toujou walk away tearing in the snow. Sad to see her smile to Manaka at the end of her ceremonial speech.

It is sad that choosing one girl would mean heartbreak for the other. Sad but inevitable. As how Manaka could not give all three girls happiness, Ms Mangaka (manga writer) could not possibly satisfy all the readers. Well, I think she tried her best to give all the characters a happy ending.

The series ended with each character moving on. It might be heartbreaking, it might be unfair, but in the end they managed to move on. If anything, it ended with hope.

Hope, and a lasting impression. Thank you mangaka.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buRnPSlWQHk
Better Life by Keith Urban

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fy91mHAPpE
Somebody Like You by Keith Urban

mindless wandering of the wondering mind

When you are alone, not doing anything in particular, not thinking of anything specific, you tend to observe what you normally would not. The little things in life that escapes our attention.

I was sitting in the canteen after PE, slowly drinking; the atmosphere relaxed, the end of a long hectic week. I was sitting and quietly observing the Indian foodstall lady clearing up. It might probably be the cool weather or the relaxed mood that makes all actions seem slower.

I thought about the lack of hygiene the woman was famous for. How true can that be? I wondered as I watched her washing her pot. Would she bring it home or store it for next week? I mused as I saw her putting leftover food into a plastic bag. Idle thoughts to amuse myself.

I turned to the other stalls. The western food stall owners were packing up too. They too were moving slower than usual. The fruits and drinks stall was taking an order. The noodle and carrot cake stall open until now, working long hours, even during school holidays. The other stalls––closed. My eyes turned back to watch the Indian lady keep her utensils.

Why do these stalls open till now? Are they trying to earn a few more dollars, or are they just willing to provide service for the students? It this why they chose to work in a school canteen: for the students? Won’t they earn more selling to the public? I had an urge to ask them.

They may be working in our college because they like students (as if there is anything nice about us). No one knows; they did not ask of us to appreciate them.

To watch and let your mind wander off. I may not understand much, but to sit back and and appreciate the simple things in life, I feel happy. No Mark and Shannon, I was not down or unwell. In fact, it made what's left of my day. Yay.

I am growing weirder by the day. A sign that I am getting increasingly bored.

speculation wrong

I predicted end of last year that teasing of couples would stop now that we are officially JC students and relationships should be common and we (“we” includes me) would be more mature. Unfortunately I was wrong.

Well not totally wrong as those with open relationships are not made fun of anymore while those who have not announce verbally or through actions (either because they are to shy about it or that it is a made up one) are still teased.

This show that people are now mature enough to leave open relationships alone but still make fun of those with secret/imaginary relationships, either for personal amusement or to encourage it (though not very effectively).

As a conclusion, some advice for victims:
If the relationship is true, go open about it and people would interfere less. Ironic but true.
If it is imaginary, I am so sorry but you most likely have to endure it until they mature or grow bored of it. The best bet is to ignore it.

Word to reader: I am only HALF serious when I wrote this. It is just for my own amusement (haha I am weird). Apologies if necessary.

weactthewaywedobecause

Some yearn for perfection. Others, just acceptance.

That night by the fire.

That night by the fire, resting at the hammock shelter; all quiet in the jungle. A night to remember... The last we're together.

He reminded me then: it was probably the last time we could work closely together. It is sad I would not see him as often again. 10 years of friendship shorter than it seems. We might go separate paths, but the relationship would last forever.



Glad to see him mature after all these years. Went to his house today to borrow his uniform. His parents still remember me. His mother said I changed but have the same smile as before. God bless them.

Sentimental me.

Changes are always forced upon us, what matters is whether we accept them.

Changes in situation can be an opportunity for changes in personality, what matters is whether we want that change.

Right now I don’t, the sentimental me. Clinging on to the past so sweet and beautiful. Contentment with the old leads to comparison with the present. Unfortunately, the old seems better.

Maybe it is because the change was my choice two years ago, thus I accepted it gladly. Hopefully, I can grow to like the present situation.

No matter whether we accept it or not, changes always forced upon us.

RM ended yay

RM (research module) has ended (unless we get selected but even then I would not consider that RM) and I would like to share my happiness and relief.

Desktop full of RM files. Only the first two and last two columns are not. Even more files in another folder.



Sidenote:
The words on the top right corner of the desktop wallpaper is from Isaiah 40:31 of the Bible, one of my favourite verses:
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run but not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Gives strength and encouragement especially for demoralising things like RM.